It’s been 17 months since we’ve talked normally, 17 months that I’ve thought about you everyday, 17 months that hate myself for ruining love for the both of us. I didn’t want to keep you guessing or hoping so I left and as much as it hurts I never deserved you and never will. I took a much different course through life that I didn’t expect but eventually I have to own it and stop being so shitty to people for my screw up. I wonder how you’re doing everyday, I think about the week we had and it’s the place in time and space I left my soul. I’m pretty sure I’ll feel empty for the rest of my days but hopefully I don’t pass that on to my children. I want closure and to feel whole but that will never happen I just wish that you will have it and I don’t mind carrying this burden for the both of us, I deserve it. I’m a messed up person and someone that would have held you back I believe you’re better off without me. I hope you don’t write about me anymore as beautiful as it is I’m not worthy of being kept alive like that. Maybe years from now I’ll stop being a coward and contact you and let you know the course my life took but for now you’re still in my thoughts and I hurt everyday more and more. I’m sorry I was a disappointment and I let you down but sorry only goes so far. I feel like hurting myself or having you punish me but it’s never going to right any wrong done, the fact that I’ll never be able to right anything fills me with dread and misery. You you you; my ultimate goal that will never be reached. I love you so damn much still and wish I could let you know. If death is the only way to see you again then I’ll be waiting for this life to finish up.